All Souls Day Secret

My babies, I'll tell you a secret, but it'll make me cry. I had a good day today. Not just a special day, and not just a good day. The kind of day where some really special things happened, like big sis getting to trick or treat, and enjoying school, and holding your God brother. But also really normal things, like getting laundry done, and going to the grocery store. It was so good. And I guess good days are always gonna come with this epic emotional reaction. I'm not guilty, I don't feel that. I know you want me happy and having special days... it's just that I never imagined this kind of day without you. I never wanted it. But, it was a joyful, fulfilling day.
Daniel, pray for us.
Patrick, pray for us.
Mommy kisses you both, a bunch of times. faces, necks, tummies, toes.
I love you.

8-17-18

Patchies! It's your birthday, darlin. I got some pretty plants for you. One is a dwarf oleander and one is a blue daze ground cover. I'll try to make them grow all year, baby.
There's so much to say, son. And all of it hurts.
Climb into Our Lady's arms and smell her perfumed hair and let her hold us together until we all reunite.
❤, Mommy

To Daniel, with love.

Daniel,

Today, I dropped your sister off at school for her third grade year. I didnt walk her in, because I couldnt bare to.  I let her big girl self go in there and own it, because today, I was supposed to hold your little hand and walk you down the kinder hall, and show you your seat and help you get your back pack in your locker. And take your picture, and kiss your good face.  You would have made so many friends, you would have been so funny. Probably Jocelyn would be mad because we'd sometimes laugh when we would have parented her, and she'd be right. You'd probably  love your teacher, and I'd probably be jealous of all the time she gets with you (I know myself, and I dont mind being honest.)  You probably would already know so many things like how to write your name and your ABCs and probably how to add and subtract just from watching and playing with Jocelyn, but you'd do amazing things little boy. You'd change hearts the way you already have.
I'd come home and me and Patchies would have our first ever real live "just us" day. We'd plan his third birthday, and maybe even make his cake.

This week was supposed to be different. In my mind it is different. Because you are both so real to me.

Instead, today I've got a little work to do. And then Mommy's going to sign up for classes in October. I know I'll be good at it, because you taught me how to truly care for people, to see past their smiley faces and learn about the layer underneath.

I wish I could brush your bright red hair back and kiss your forehead, and tell you to be a good boy, but I know you are, Son. You are a very beautiful sweet good boy. And Mommy loves you.

June 2018

Hi my little boys. Ive been doing okay, well even.
Ive been eating and sleeping and reading and exercising and cooking too! Ive been amazed at being okay. The Lord is truly good to give me this respite.
I caught a little grief today. I knew what it was the second I got a whiff of it, but as usual I couldnt place what brought it on. Just a little salty taste of sadness because I'll never get over how much I loved holding you guys.

It's October now.

Hey Patchies,

It's so hard to sleep here without you. I'm always remembering getting up to hold you and it's so unsettling how you aren't here, and then I have to remember the way you left us. And it's too much because I remember when Daniel left too.

And I am so lost. And I love you so dearly. And I wanted to go on being a mommy to you little boys for your whole long lives.

I just miss you and it's hard to sleep here sometimes.

Mommy kisses.

Thinking about your birthday

Hi my little son. Your birthday is Thursday. You are supposed to turn two Earth years old. We bought you a little present. Something to put out near your rock so everyone can see we haven't forgotten you. We stood in WalMart and debated about which little something you would like and we decided on the brightest colors, something Daddy would have loved playing with you.
It is still total heartbreak Patrick.
Jocelyn dug out your Puff the Magic Dragon book. I still cant sing it Buddy. Maybe I never will. I hate the part where dragons live forever but not so with little boys. I feel like the dragon. I thought I would always have you but instead I have this awful grief. I hope birthdays in Heaven are apecial. I hope you get kisses from all the Saints and maybe you point me and Daddy and Jocelyn out to them all and show them with joy that we wanted your life on Earth and did everything we could to prepare you for Love in Heaven.

hey my little son

we sure are missing you baby. Jocelyn's been picking up your old toys and just holding them. we've talked about everything we would trade if we could have you and Danny back.
I keep remembering your heart scan and your brain scan and how they let me get up in the bed with you to keep you calm and relaxed. Patrick that was horrible. You dont know because you think it happens to everyone because of your limited experiences, but it was not good. Not all babies get those tests. So this is crazy, but I wish I could be laying back in the bed with you. Knowing that Jocelyn is safe and someone fun is watching her and you and me could just rest together.
i still cannot believe you are gone. that this is a part of the plan... that I am somehow supposed to get on with this life. i was supposed to be a mommy to you. i was supposed to teach you and Daniel to take care of each other, and not to terrorize your sister. I was supposed to teach you to eat healthy and play hard and love God. i cannot wrap my mind around whats left.
i miss your smell and your skin and absolutely everything, Patrick. My little Patrick James Wethington.