It's October now.

Hey Patchies,

It's so hard to sleep here without you. I'm always remembering getting up to hold you and it's so unsettling how you aren't here, and then I have to remember the way you left us. And it's too much because I remember when Daniel left too.

And I am so lost. And I love you so dearly. And I wanted to go on being a mommy to you little boys for your whole long lives.

I just miss you and it's hard to sleep here sometimes.

Mommy kisses.

Thinking about your birthday

Hi my little son. Your birthday is Thursday. You are supposed to turn two Earth years old. We bought you a little present. Something to put out near your rock so everyone can see we haven't forgotten you. We stood in WalMart and debated about which little something you would like and we decided on the brightest colors, something Daddy would have loved playing with you.
It is still total heartbreak Patrick.
Jocelyn dug out your Puff the Magic Dragon book. I still cant sing it Buddy. Maybe I never will. I hate the part where dragons live forever but not so with little boys. I feel like the dragon. I thought I would always have you but instead I have this awful grief. I hope birthdays in Heaven are apecial. I hope you get kisses from all the Saints and maybe you point me and Daddy and Jocelyn out to them all and show them with joy that we wanted your life on Earth and did everything we could to prepare you for Love in Heaven.

hey my little son

we sure are missing you baby. Jocelyn's been picking up your old toys and just holding them. we've talked about everything we would trade if we could have you and Danny back.
I keep remembering your heart scan and your brain scan and how they let me get up in the bed with you to keep you calm and relaxed. Patrick that was horrible. You dont know because you think it happens to everyone because of your limited experiences, but it was not good. Not all babies get those tests. So this is crazy, but I wish I could be laying back in the bed with you. Knowing that Jocelyn is safe and someone fun is watching her and you and me could just rest together.
i still cannot believe you are gone. that this is a part of the plan... that I am somehow supposed to get on with this life. i was supposed to be a mommy to you. i was supposed to teach you and Daniel to take care of each other, and not to terrorize your sister. I was supposed to teach you to eat healthy and play hard and love God. i cannot wrap my mind around whats left.
i miss your smell and your skin and absolutely everything, Patrick. My little Patrick James Wethington.

6 months

Today it is 6 months since your last evening. So much is just the same and so very much is different. I still took Jocelyn to religious education but I dont stay and wait on her anymore, because you arent with me and you arent hooked to your feeding tube. So it's easy to come home and make dinner, write a blog, or whatever.
It's been six months since I saw your face, and felt your temperature and worried about you. Six months, since I kissed you goodnight and let Daddy take the night shift. Six months since I got out of bed and held you for a couple hours because I knew you were not  feeling well. Six months since you rested on my body, because for some reason you didnt have to fight so hard when you were resting in my arms and on my chest.
Tomorrow it will be six months since I woke up and took one look at you and told Daddy he couldnt go to work today and then told Jocelyn it was not a school day, because we dont go to school when our brother gets to go to heaven. Six months ago I saw the hurt and terror in her face when I told her you get to go.
And then we kissed you and she didnt like how sweaty you were so we changed your clothes and we caressed you precious little self and then you let go.
So much has happened since then, Patchies. Lots of holidays, some we really treated as such, and some not so much. So many days of school and Jocelyn learning new things and facing life head on, and days that I dropped her off at school and went back to bed, where I didn't have to face life head on. And some days when I volunteer my time so that I can still remember my value, and some days are just days, baby.
To me, it seems like yesterday. How can it be that this is a whole new year, and I have not held your body for months on end. How can it be that time is still moving when my sons are not growing up with their sister? A long time ago, your Mama Kate told me about how when she wants her Mom and Daddy, (Your great Granny and great Pa) the most, that is when she knows she needs more of God the most. And I know that's true. Our Earthly longings are almost always for more God.
I bet you are not counting days or weeks or months, Patrick. But I am. I know how long Daniel has been up there, and I know how long you have been there. So kiss one another and rejoice that you have new life, and say a perpetual prayer for Mommy and Daddy and Jocie. Because we miss you little boys and we need more God and while we are here we always will.

Buddy

Remember how I kissed your face every time I put you in the car seat, and also when I took you out? I miss that.
I miss your little chats you'd have and also the fits you'd through in the car seat. I know you didn't mean it to be funny, but sometimes me and Jocelyn would just bust out laughing at how spirited you were.

Mommy kisses.